Enlightenment Intensive

In 2011 I attended 2 Enlightenment Intensive Retreats.  The following are some brief notes that I jotted down when I returned home from each retreat, followed by a conversation with a friend after the first retreat.

Jan '11 EI Insights:

1.  Mind creates all my experiences, including "problems" or "barriers."

2.  I am not my mind or its "fictions."

3.  My mind is not my enemy.  It is serving it's purpose.

4.  I am the "witness" that does not age or change.  My mind and body are always changing and only have the illusion of continuity.

5.  My true self is always found in the present moment; my mind is always remembering the past or imagining the future.

6.  All experiences rise and fall in that open awareness that I am.

7.  Believing my thoughts to be reality creates suffering or "problems."

      a.  Seeking validation from others is an attempt to authenticate my false self.

      b.  How I treat others is based on the "story" that I tell myself.

      c.  Suffering is realized when it becomes apparent that my thoughts differ from reality.

      d.  Defending my ideas is a result of believing those thoughts are a part of who I am.

April '11 EI Insights:

1.  THE Truth includes all things without exception.

2.  Love accepts all things without exception

3.  The Now contains all things without exception

4.  There is only one thing, and it includes, accepts, and contains all things without exception.  There is diversity but there is no separation; that is what I am.

5.  There is activity, but there is no doing.  There is no "I" or "me" that can "do" anything.  The self is only a thought.  However, much is done, and this is what I call Grace.  Grace is the work that is done after I quit believing that I am the one who is doing the work.  The illusion is necessary, and there is no separation from what is "real" and what is an "illusion."

6.  Everything is Perfect as it is, and there is Nothing but what is.  Things could not be any other way than they are.

7.  Judgement is a product of comparing what is with what was or what could be, so it is not a quality of true Being (Truth).  Love accepts everything found within the present moment; therefore, this is a quality of true Being.

8.  I am not my choices, there is no "me," and "I" am not "doing" anything.

9.  I first found my true self when I looked within.  Then I looked without and I found myself there too.  Now I wonder where my true self begins and ends and how far it goes...

Conversation with a Friend

me: hey

Friend: hey, what's up?

me: not much

just taking a break

Friend: did you end up going to Connecticut?

me: yes

Friend: oh, cool

me: was half sick, but I pushed through

Friend: an interesting experience?

me: kind of amazing actually

Friend: good to know you got your money's worth ;)

me: yes

I actually felt like I had my money's worth by the first night

still feel that way

Friend: that's great

me: yes

Friend: anything to say about it, or are you just sitting in quiet Buddhahood in your office?

me: haha

well, not exactly

Friend:: was the instructor a good teacher?

me: hmmmm

maybe

don't really have anything to compare her to :-)

Friend: hmm

i guess if you got results from the exercises, then that's what matters

me: but there wasn't much instruction given, so...

the technique was explained and then further refined as the weekend progressed

and there was a couple of lectures

but they were mostly to address questions, concerns

and maybe clarify a bit of what "enlightenment" really is

Friend: did the experiences resemble what you'd felt in your church days?

me: physically, yes, but to a lesser degree...not as intense

but only on the physical level was it the same

that may not make sense...not sure

Friend: sure

qi gong for me led to some physical sensations, but

meditation was much more. . . cognitive, even though both were meditation

i guess it depends on what sensations/thoughts you focus on

and which you disregard as unimportant

me: exactly

they are not enlightenment

even though they feel nice, they are not to be sought or clung to

Friend: yep, that's what the wise men say

me: and we were warned of that

especially of how the mind will attach to those events

I actually had two experiences while I was there

Friend: please describe if you feel ok about it

me: its a long story, but maybe I can give you the cliff notes version

and maybe give more details over a beer (or herbal tea) :-)

Friend: sure thing

me: ok, so I'll do the best I can here, but it is difficult

Friend: take your time

i'm only going to take any description as an approximate description, anyway... some things just have to be experienced, imho

me: A lot of things i have read now make sense, but retelling them sound like I'm dispensing fortune cookie wisdom

so you are right, I can only use metaphors as suggestions to the truth

but I think you understand

Friend: can you tell me what the exercise was? i'm guessing most had to do with your identity & true self?

me: yes

first, the intensive is intense, but the technique seems really powerful

like a meditation microwave or pressure cooker

Friend: sounds like they draw from the Zen sesshin (intensive meditation retreat) tradition

me: yes, that was definitely one influence

Friend: most monks meditate some number of hours a day

but a lot of monks have real breakthroughs at the twice-yearly intensive retreats

me: very similar, yes

Friend: where they really ratchet up the intensity

me: you sit across from a partner and one is the contemplator and one is the listening partner

you begin by the listening partner giving the contemplator instuctions

such as, "Tell me who you are."

Friend: what happens when you exhaust all the typical answers like "student", "husband", "introvert", etc?

i imagine myself just sitting there with nothing to say...

me: yes, it usually begins there

Friend: "uh, carbon-based lifeform", or something

me: but as you can imagine, that doesn't take long to exhaust

Friend: yeah, that's only good for a few minutes, i guess

me: next, the contemplator "holds" the question while attempting to "taste" the essence of its truth

now, something will come up

Friend: unexpected things?

as in... not the answer you thought you'd come up with?

me: like how your parents were too strict or your boss doesn't recognize your hard work or your or something completely random

like the time you had a flat tire

it really doesn't matter what comes up

(you've meditated and know how the mind can wander from thought to thought)

Friend: so the answers aren't what's sought after - it's the introspection/attentiveness that they generate?

me: answers are important

when those things arise, you communicate them to your partner as fully as you can

this is to clear it away

as soon as you've done this you return to contemplating the question

you "hold" it and "taste" it

then something else comes up, and you communicate it again

maybe its the same thing, maybe its something different

Friend: hmm

me: questions? comments?

Friend: i'm just imagining the experience, which is difficult, because i've never had it

;)

it sounds very familiar, in the broad strokes

similar to what i know about zen

meditating on a koan

being encouraged to "lean into the question" with your whole body

the masters use body-words to emphasize you're not just in an intellectual exercise

me: yes, exactly, only with a partner

Friend: some Zen sects meditate in rows facing each other... maybe it discourages sleepiness

but i don't think they talk with each other

me: only the contemplator speaks

the listening partner only listens

Friend: right

me: no nodding, no speaking, no judgemntal faces

Friend: that would be hard for me as a listener .... i'm a compulsive nodder

me: it does keep you focused, awake, and helps to clear the thoughts

as they arise

so anyway, that's the basic of the technique

you take 5 minute turns, changing roles, for 40minutes

we did this about 8-10 times a day

Friend: that's a good bit of contemplation

me: with walking, sitting, and exercies contemplations in between

no talking outside the dyads

even meals and sleep were considered contemplation

Friend: very monastic... sounds good

me: yes

Friend: did you get tired of all the paying attention & focusing?

how many days did it last?

me: 3 full days

from 6am to 11pm

no phones, jewelry, or personal care products

they were given up at the door

strict veg diet

no caffiene

Friend: that last one would be toughest for me right now, ha ha

me: yeah, I stopped a week out to adjust

so anyway, by the night of the first day, I had my first experience

hmmm....

Friend: ha ha

tough, isn't it?

me: well, there is so much to tell, but let's see

I think it was after supper

but the meal we had seemed bitter and not to my liking

and the thought came to mind, "it will be hard to eat all this."

then I thought, "why? its no harder to chew than pizza."

I then realized it was only thoughts that were causing a problem

then after the meal, in the first dyad, I was communicating this to my partner

I could see that all my suffering was created by myself

and that's when it happened

I suddenly "knew" that I was not my thoughts and feelings and beliefs

it was like, "that's not me!"

I felt a warm rush of energy sweep up my body and I began to cry

when the dyad was over we had a 5 minute break

I walked up the stairs and to my room and it felt like I was surrounded by a warm glow

I cried some more

then I returned the next dyad

the enlightenment master (fascilitator) knew something had happened and asked me about it, but I didn't have anything to say

I just smiled and said I was well

but I was beaming

I would discuss it with her the next day after the lecture

Friend:: sounds like it was a good thing to realize, even if was painful

me: not painful

blissful

liberating

opposite of painful

Friend: tears of joy, then? i was reading "tears=upsetting"

me: not sure, the tears were just a "manifestation"

I don't know if they mean anything at all

its just what happened

Friend: hmm

me: but the sensation was a good one

anyway, the experience wasn't enlightenment

the teacher said it was what they call "de-identification"

she said I was doing good and to continue and to be sure to try and fully communicate to my partner the very essence of had happened

questions?

Friend: did the blissful sensation kind of trail off after a while? or did it persist overnight?

me: no, it lasted maybe an hour or so

the tears was very short

minutes

but the bodily sensation lasted longer

other questions?

Friend: i don't guess so...

me: ok

Friend: i was thinking of something similar that happened to me (but less intense)

me: I see

well, this first experience led to my second experience on the 2nd day

but I have to tell you about that a little later haha

I have to step out for a little bit

Friend: yeah, that's cool

me: I will try to get back online later

Friend: i'll be on IM. just whenever you get a chance...

me: cool

talk to you more later then

bye

Friend: yep, see you

And then the conversation concluded here:

me: back again

Friend: fun in the field?

me: always

Friend: i miss being able to walk around

so you had another experience the next day?

me: yes

it was the 2nd night

I can't remember exactly what I was communicating, but it was something about the previous experience I believe

Friend: about you not being the same as your thoughts?

me: hmmm

the first experience was that I was not my thought

Friend: right, that's what i meant

me: but yes, I was sharing something along those lines with my partner

if I'm remembering correctly

it really doesn't matter though lol

now, this is where it becomes really difficult

so you might have to be patient and work with me on this :-)

Friend: ha ha, sure

me: before I came to the intensive I had a couple of fears

and they became obstacles

Friend: i imagine that would be true for most people

...this is coming from someone has experience with fear-based obstacles...

me: yes

one was that I wasn't "worthy" of enlightenment or that I would have to become "worthy" after enlightenment

the other was that I would lose part of myself, or that my ego, personality, mind, or whatever would need to dissapear

these were all unfounded and untrue, but they were still present just the same

so, this ties into my first experience

and after that, I started to see how my mind had created these obstacles

not just those, but many more

my mind had decided who I am, what I was, what enlightenment was, how it would happen, when it could happen, etc

but after the first experience, these obstacles started to fall apart

the illusion couldn't hold up any more

Friend: huh

was the resolution of those obstacles the same kind of experience as before? blissful, warmth, etc?

me: yes, but I'm not quite there yet :-)

but we're close haha

this all lead to the next experience

Friend: oh, now is where you get to the levitation part, ha ha.

me: exactly lol

have you ever heard of enlightenment referred to as "awakening?"

Friend: the Buddha's first words after his big experience were something to that effect

me: ah

well, that's what happened...I woke up

I think I had the idea that enlightenment would be in an altered state, like a trance or something

just the opposite

like remembering where you left your car keys, I KNEW who I was

have you ever been dreaming and you thought it was real, but then you wake up and realize it was a dream?

I am sure you have

Friend: sorry, someone popped their head into my office...

i'm re-reading the last 20 sec

me: that's fine

Friend: huh

lots of zen stuff about uncovering the original mind

me: well, it's like that, except instead of dreaming your a steamboat captain one minute and in you bed the next, you are in the same place, doing the same thing, you are just awake. does that make any sense?

Friend:: the experience of familiarity with the state of mind

me: was any of that clear?

Friend: yeah, it sounds very similar to some accounts I've read. i just have a minimal level of personal experience with it...

me: the funny thing is that I realized I had experienced this "Me" before, many times, but I didn't KNOW it was Me

It was like I was just told a cosmic joke, and I literally laughed my ass off

I realized that enlightenment was no big deal, actually it was somewhat ordinary

Friend: huh

me: and the physically sensations returned, and I cried

and laughed

and cried some more

and the dyad ended

Friend: shit, just a sec

me: k

Friend: crap, i feel like i got interrupted during the best part of a movie.

someone stopped by my office to ask about a server failure

me: :-)

Friend: did you tell the facilitator about this experience, too?

me: yes, immediately

she asked me a series of questions

then we both laughed and smiled (I think I glowed) and she told me it was very important to try and fully communicate the essence of what I experienced to my partners

so that's what I spent the whole 3rd day doing

Friend: wow. so you spent hours talking about it?

me: well, trying to talk about it

actually, I didn't have many words to say after that, but I would try to

it usually just came out like a fortune cookie

so out of each turn I had, I would speak a few words, and sat in silence the rest of the time

Friend: did you have further tasks to concentrate on, or were you sort of absorbing/integrating what had happened?

me: no further tasks

in a way, it was like I had nothing to do, nowhere to go

Friend: what happened sounds pretty substantial.

me: but more contemplation, absorbtion, integration...yes

I would like to add that my awakening experience only lasted a short while

have you ever heard of kensho?

Friend: sure

me: haha of course

well, I hadn't! :-)

Friend: ha ha

if you're interested in other people's experiences, i have a book called "Three Pillars of Zen" which contains several meditation journals from a retreat in Japan

several experiences very closely mirror your own

me: cool

I would love to

thank you

Friend: it's kind of amazing how much similarity there is to experiences across time and space

me: very amazing

Friend: did the teacher think you should begin a regular meditation practice?

or were you encouraged to attend another retreat when you're ready?

me: yes, or some other practice to help integrate the experience into my life

meditation, yoga, something that "fits" for me, but will further the process

here's a story our teacher told us

most people walk around their whole life with a bucket over there head

then one day they tip the bucket, and peak out from under it to see the real world

this is like an enlightenment experience

most people don't take the bucket off for good, but they "look outside" to degrees

next they may lift the entire bucket off and look around before putting it back over their head

after that they may take the bucket off and throw it to the corner....then run over, pick it up, and put it back on

finally, one day they take the bucket off and never replace it

the point is that you always have the same "enlightenment", but the degrees vary

so, maybe I got a peak, but now I work toward completely removing the bucket

through meditation, intensives, yoga, etc

Friend: that jives with what i've heard

usually the Zen teacher will tell the student to deepen/integrate their experience after a kensho event

not to get too caught up with the kensho itself, but to regard it as a stepping stone or a gateway

me: sounds similar

Friend: i'm happy for you. it sounds like it was a good experience.

me: thank you. I think so too

Friend: although "good" probably doesn't cover it.

me: I guess time will be the real test

Friend: have you felt any difference interacting with people since you came back?

me: I have noticed one "benefit" already

its like I've taken a big leap in cognitive therapy

Friend: that's cool

me: a sense thoughts as they arise, like if something happens that would have pissed me off

and I can "choose" to invest in the thought, or discard it if it doesn't help me

I would actually say that's a HUGE benefit

for me at least

even if its not exactly the point of it all

I also do feel more relaxed, in the present, and open to people

but as I said before, time will be the real test of all that

Friend: yep, that makes sense

me: did I ever send you that book "Tell Me Who You Are."?

its about a guys experience with an enlightenment intensive

Friend: yeah, you sent me pdf, i believe

me: yeah, well, it does a good job of describing what the intensive is like

Friend: i read a little bit, but put it down. i'll have to take a look again.

me: its a good, short, read

people really do threaten to leave, shout, cry, burst into song

it got kinda crazy at times

Friend: were there many people there?

me: about 10 participants

about half guys, half girls

about 5 staff

Friend: so there wasn't a "teacher" per se?

you mentioned a "facilitator"

me: yes

her title is actually "enlightenment master" kinda silly :-)

there was 1 lecture each day

either about the technique or enlightenment or about issues people were having

and she was there for you to discuss anything

such as problems or "experiences"

so, you might call her a teacher

Friend: definitely a very strong Zen influence. which is good. Zen is not big on nonsense or endless metaphysical speculation.

i've always had lot of respect for their methods and practicality.

me: yeah

here is a brief description of the intensive

http://www.vitallifecenter.org/even...tensives.php

Friend: interesting stuff

me: yeah

its interesting how it flowed

the 1st day was like a release of emotional baggage

the 2nd day people tried to rationalize everything

the 3rd day was a mixture of bliss and dispair, depending on where you were in the process

Friend: did anyone else have a breakthrough?

me: I feel like at least one other person did, maybe 2

but one person I really think did

but only they can know for sure

Friend: yeah, i guess so

me: I had read once that about 30% in an intensive have an enlightenment experience; I guess that would make the numbers about right :-)

Friend: do you think you'll get back in touch with the teacher? i'm curious about where the path goes from here.. .

other than a meditation/yoga/etc practice...

me: she is suppose to call in 2 weeks for a follow up

normally, she would meet in person, but since I live here...

Friend: yeah

me: but the intensive itself i think is like a bootcamp

and it is used by buddhists, yogis, unitarians, and all kind of groups, so the practices for further development are somewhat up the participant

at least that's what it seems like to me right now

Friend: well, it sounds like you did indeed get a worthwhile trip

me: I think so too

and I may do another one

or even two

not sure yet

The conversation trails off from there, so that basically concludes things.