Meditation Experiences

Here I have provided a glimpse into my meditation room.  Over the years I have made notes, spoken with my teachers, or shared experiences with spiritual friends about my experiences in meditation.  This is not a complete account, and much has been forgotten over the past decade.  However, what records that are available may be useful to other sadhakas, and it is in that spirit that I provide an account of my own journey, which is still evolving.

None of these experiences indicate any spiritual attainments; they are just part of the process, which can vary from one person to another.  I would also like to point out that none of these experiences are the goal of meditation, only side effects.  One last note, the examples below typically happen in the beginning or middle, but not so much toward the end of the path.  Eventually, it evolves into something quite different. 

Personal Notes Before Initiation

1/4/12

Journey thus far...

I first learned about Sahaja Yoga, or Surrender Meditation, in the fall of 2010 while researching Enlightenment Intensives retreats.  This was the spiritual discipline practiced by Charles Berner, the originator of the EI.  The descriptions of this sadhana sounded similar to my earlier experiences in the Pentecostal church, so I was naturally intrigued.  However, I made no attempts at practicing SY until after returning from my first EI in January of 2011.

During that first EI, I had a direct conscious experience of my true Self.  In that moment I felt a release of energy that undamed a torrent of tears.  I felt truly awake, present, completely at peace, and most of all...it was absolutely ordinary.  It all seemed so obvious that I laughed uncontrollably at this grand cosmic joke.  The after glow of this event would last for weeks.

When I returned home I wanted to integrate and deepen this kensho experience.  I felt a natural inclination toward Surrender Meditation, so using the writings of Charles Berner, Lawrence Noyles, and others as a guide, I began devoting a hour a day to this practice.  

I began having physical manifestations almost immediately.  It started with pranayama.  I would find myself breathing in short, burst like patterns.  Sometimes the breath would be held, and at other times it would be long and deep.  Also, my abdomen would move in unusual patterns, at times pulling back and up.  Next, I started performing asanas spontaneously.  Cat, cow, cobra, frog, locust, camel, bow, child pose, revolving seat, and eight limb poses were all very common  positions.  A few times I also witnessed the cow face pose, downward dog, and a few others.  Soon to follow were kriyas and mudras.  I found the last two to be especially bizarre, and even a little freightening.  While I could have doubted some of the previous movements as being a subtle, willful action, or possibly directed on a subconscious level, the kriyas and mudras were powerful and certainly beyond my volition.  At this point, fear of continuing without guidance, coupled with a fear of how this might effect my marriage, inspired me to discontinue Sahaja Yoga.  

For most of the following year, I searched for spiritual direction.  I tried various sitting meditation practices, including a visit to a Zen gathering; I tried contemplative exercises; Also, I tried the absence of a formal practice, and simply cultivated an awareness of awareness.  Additionally, I sought out mentoring from a respected Advaita teacher.  In the end, I once again felt the pull of Surrender Meditation.  I resumed my practice, but this time I also secured the guidance of an experienced teacher in this tradition of Yoga.

The practice continues...

From the final weeks of December until now, I have made this my sadhana.  Pranayama, asanas, and mudras continue to occur.  More recently bandhas and chanting have begun to emerge.  The first time chanting happened, it was similar to speaking in tongues, but more rythmical and song like.  The next time there was only the sound of OM.  My face has started moving as well, mostly just the mouth and nose.  More than anything, I want to live with a conscious, direct knowing of the Truth.

1/10/12

Over the past several mornings, I have continued to experience extensive pelvic movement.  I try to fully surrender, but I harbor a fear that I’m only fulfilling subconscious desires.  I have been experiencing kriyas in my hands and arms.  Sometimes the shaking becomes very violent.  Until today, I have been alternating between a waking and a sleeping state.  The shift is frequent and quite rapid.  Today I had very little physical manifestation for the first half of my meditation; I sat in steady silence thinking to myself that God’s grace had left me.  During the second half, my body become very active and spontaneous asanas were performed.  The most consistent aspect of my meditation is the unrelenting movement of my mind.  Multiple random thoughts rise and fall, rise and fall, without reprieve.  Sometimes it becomes very clear that I am not in control, nor have I ever really been, but then the illusion resumes its supremacy, and I feel that I am the doer.  It’s starting to dawn on me that guilt and pain are a result of such thoughts.  At the end of my meditation, I gave thanks, and I asked that surrender would extend through out my day and that I might see that all is God.

1/16/12

It would seem that activity is continuing to slow down.  There are still some asanas, pranayama, mudras, and such, but there is much more stillness than motion.  The only thing that is not still, is my mind.  I wonder if I’m not surrendering enough.  At times, I feel like I’m failing, but if I’m not doing, then how can I fail?  I’m starting to see this sense of self that feels like the doer (ego).  It wants to claim all actions as its own, and it is always trying to imagine what will happen next (it is often wrong). 

1/24/12

Activity is continuing to slow down, except for the mind.  There is still an occasional kryia or mudra or asana.  Most movement has been in the form of muscular contractions in the pelvic region.  There is also some pranayama.  It seems that I alternate between a dream state and an awake state in which I perform breathing exercises.  I don’t necessarily feel tired, but I keep falling in and out of sleep.  There also appears to be a growing sexual desire, which may or may not be related to my meditation.

Conversations with Durga Ma after Shaktipat Diksha

Durga Ma was my first teacher, and she was the guru who gave me Shaktipat diksha.  She is also the teacher who gave me the name "Shambhu."  Here are some exchanges we shared during the first year of my sadhana.

FEBRUARY 5, 2012 AT 11:09 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

For the past two days, I have increased my meditation to two hours. I am experiencing fewer asanas, pranayama, and mudras, but I am shifting into a dream state more frequently. Also, I have this experience that to me feels like an (energy) egg breaking and the contents running down my body. Sometimes it also starts low and runs up my body. It is both subtle and pleasant.

This morning I became cold and uncomfortable, so I willfully wrapped myself in a blanket and changed positions. I felt guilty for not maintaining pure surrender, but I tried to abandon my sense of defeat to God and simply return to my meditation. After that I fell into a deep sleep. I usually dream in black and white, but I suddenly realized I was seeing everything in vivid color. It was like I was looking at a brilliant movie screen. I became lucid and spent some time mesmerized at random images appearing before my eyes. I started flying between buildings in what I believed was New York at night. Then I had this sensation that I was separating from my body, and I became frightened. I tried to move my body in order to wake up, but I couldn’t. A few moments later my timer went off, and I was perfectly awake and able to move about.

Some times I wonder if I’m simply having a common dream or if something more unique is taking place during my meditation. Today felt different, even if I don’t know the meaning.

Love,
Shambhu

Isn’t the mind fascinating? You were surrendered in meditation, and because you were cold and did something about it you thought you were using your will. The feelings of guilt and defeat were also just mental kriyas. The experiences you had after this were produced by surrender. The sensation of separating from your body was probably caused not so much by becoming separated, but by returning to the body from that little jaunt you took to New York. The images before that may suggest an early stage of samadhi. Your meditation is going very well. — Love, Durga Ma

FEBRUARY 25, 2012 AT 4:26 PM

Dear Durga Ma,

I am continuing to spend two hours each morning in meditation; the time seems to be equally spent between activity and nidra. Most of the activity is mudras and contractions in the abdomen and chest. Often I will fall into a sleeping state only to be awaken by kryias or pranayamas. Several times I have had experiences like I explained previously were I become immobile or can only move with great difficulty (only to later discover I didn’t actually move at all). This morning I had three terrifying dreams while meditating. Then I had the experience were I couldn’t move, and I even found it difficult to breath. I realized that I wasn’t in my physical body and that there was no need to breath, so I relaxed and let things naturally unfold. At one point I saw frightening images (distorted faces) and symbols. I reminded myself that I was in God’s hands and continued to surrender to the Absolute. Since my meditation this morning I have felt completely exhausted. I even had some caffeine, which I rarely drink anymore, and I still feel like I can’t fully wake up. I am committed to my sadhana (I even with I could devote more time), but I still have doubts or guilt at times. My mind questions if I have surrendered enough, if I am sleeping too much, if I should be sleeping more, etc. Logically, I know it is only thoughts without any basis in reality, but they are present just the same. It is like you have said, this practice is both easy and hard. It requires no effort, but you don’t always know what the Divine is up to. Regardless, I trust both God and guru, for they are the same.

Love,
Shambhu

Thank you for sharing this, Shambhu. I am sure that many practitioners of this sadhana will run into things of this sort. This sadhana is not for the faint-hearted. It is for the spiritual adventurer who is hungry enough for Truth/the Absolute to put up with a few unfamiliar or unexplainable things happening in meditation (they have a way of becoming understood after the fact, sooner or later). I see these kinds of experiences as auspicious in spite of any confusion or doubt, especially when that practitioner is resolved to continue with such faith and trust.
Love,
Durga Ma

FEBRUARY 25, 2012 AT 12:12 PM

Dear Durga Ma,

Thank you for that reply. My resolve is firm. I once asked you how far I can go with this, and you told me, “All the way.” I believed you, and I won’t stop short of the Absolute Truth.

Love,
Shambhu

MARCH 13, 2012 AT 11:50 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

I’m persisting each day with 2 hours of meditation. Movement continues to dissolve into stillness, with only a quiver every now and again. Occasionally, I experience very lucid dreams. The last such encounter started by the sensation that my body was rotating on the floor. At the time, I actually believed that this was physically taking place. I even thought I heard the sound of the blanket underneath me being moved; I was afraid that the noise from the rustling fabric would wake my wife in a nearby room. After my body ceased from spinning, a strong vibration coursed through the center of my body; afterwords, I felt my whole being continue to shake. I then realized that I was no longer in a normal waking state. With some difficulty, I moved around and even opened an adjacent door. Once I was convinced that this was a dream of an unusual sort, I cried out to God for the direct experience of Truth. The memory of the event is fading, but the cry is growing stronger.

One of the most difficult aspect of this meditation for me is not always knowing what is or is not taking place. Sometimes I feel as if I should be experiencing more of this or less of that; the devil is in the mind. I feel guilt for not achieving expectations that have no basis in reality; the devil is in the mind. In the midst of all this, the cry to God rises from deep within. “I don’t care about what I experience or don’t experience; give me Truth.” My body lies still, but I feel energy moving head to toe and from sole to crown. I face doubt, guilt, and disappointment…the cry grows louder. I feel defeated, abandoned, and alone…the cry grows louder still. My timer chimes; I give thanks, and I wonder what lies ahead…

Love,
Shambhu

Well, Shambhu, you are certainly on board! Welcome to a very small group of like-minded, devil-minded seekers wondering where we are in all this, crying out to God for more, and so on. I have been crying out — literally — in my “sleep” and waking myself up with all the racket. The other night I had two dreams (the content of which I remember absolutely nothing) in which I understood these dreams while I was still “sleeping” and twice (once for each dream) woke myself up ecstatically announcing, “I’m married to God! I’m really and truly married to God! I’ve always been married to God! I’ll always be married to God!” and “Jaya Ma! Jaya Ma!”

I was wondering . . . that whole spinning thing is very familiar to me and what I was wondering was if this was itself a direct experience that may not have seemed to be, because the content of the experience did not seem like “God”, i.e., spinning, the sound of moving blankets, wife next door, etc. Or maybe you were just really spinning and doing it out of body. Ah, sweet yogic dreams. Let yourself be inspired by these experiences. God, Divine Mother, is behind all this.

Love,
Durga Ma

MARCH 13, 2012 AT 12:40 PM

Dear Durga Ma,

Thank you for your words; they are always full of encouragement. This experience of spinning has manifested more than once, and it usually precedes a lucid dream, as does the experience of vibrations and shaking. The first time was frightening, as many new and usual experiences have been, but I am continually learning to trust God. The Absolute is at work, and it’s work is perfection.

Love,
Shambhu

APRIL 13, 2012 AT 7:22 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

I continue to spend 2 hours in sahaja meditation each morning. I am considering changing my meditation time to the two hours before I retire at night. It seems that people are starting to rise in my house at an earlier hour, and it provides more noise for distraction. Also, my wife will be out of town this weekend, so I am giving some serious thought to spending more than two hours in meditation for the next two days, unless you advise otherwise.

Movement is continuing to diminish during meditation, with only a shake, stretch, or occasional mudra appearing throughout. Part of the time is almost always spent in sleep, but I find that the unusual dream states I described previously are happening less frequently. Now, most dreams appear to me as the typical variety. I do feel a constant wave of “energy” washing over my body during meditation. It moves up and down and from left to right; it is very pleasant, and it reminds me of the “chills” I experienced when involved with the Pentecostal church. My mind is still active, but not as chaotic as it once was. Also, my thoughts have become more inquisitive. By that I mean, I am noticing where my awareness is flowing from and where it is flowing to; then I inquire into the what and the why of the mental activity. This is also true of my time outside of meditation. It’s not that I’m making a special effort to question these things. It just feels natural.

When I’m not meditating, I find that I am working to organize my life to optimize those times that I am in meditation. Those two hours in the morning are the most exciting, anticipated, important times of my day.

JUNE 5, 2012 AT 7:35 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

I haven’t shared lately, but this morning I felt like it was time. I have gained a great deal of encouragement and insight from this site, and I hope that by sharing my experience others will benefit as well.

For the past month or more my meditation has been compromised mostly if not completely of sleep. At times the sleep is so deep that I find it difficult to be aroused. Often there are dreams, but they seem common enough. Sometimes I feel the movement of energy flowing through my body, and just as often I hear my heart cry out to God. My mind accuses me of failure, and in
darkness I ask for grace.

OF course, everything is just as it should be, and I have God’s grace in you. There is no experience more proper for me to have than the one that is before me, and the truest part of me knows the joy of both the bitter and the sweet. It is all the play of the Divine.

Love,
Shambhu

JULY 28, 2012 AT 9:14 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

It has been a while since I shared, and this morning it felt like it was time again.

For the past week I have been experiencing a great number and variety of pranayamas and some very strong experiences of kumbhakas. The holds are definitely more powerful than I have experienced in the past. There are also some facial grimacing and pressure in the forehead region. The experience of “energy” traveling through my body is less pronounced and nidra is less predominant, but some time is still spent in sleep. I don’t discern anything noteworthy of the dreams when they occur. Aside from the physical phenomenon, and perhaps even greater in terms of intensity, I am experiencing a very deep and powerful longing for God. It’s like being separated from a lover who desperately desire to be reunited with. This emotion arises almost immediately when I enter my mediation, and it endures through most of my time there. It drives me very close to tears, and it even reappears to a lesser degree throughout the day. Additionally, there is some spontaneous inquiry taking place. I’m facing things I’ve become identified with, thinking they were me. Intellectually, I thought I knew better, but in practical application, I was falling into old traps.

I rest in the grace of God and Guru, and I pray for continued grace to surrender more fully, love more completely, and to know the truth directly.

Love,
Shambhu

Conversations with Anandi

Anandi is spiritual friend and fellow initiate of Durga Ma.  We often shared our experiences in meditation, which has also served as something of a journal along the way.

Jul 23, 2012

Currently my sadhana is both blissful and excruciating. I enter into my meditation and waves of Divine energy wash over me like a gentle tide, and the sensation is joyous. However, my mind rails against me, and I sense a deep mental purification taking place. Then I fall into a very deep sleep. Doubts, fears, and uncertainties rise from within, and I am overwhelmed with a feeling of lostness. I have no clear idea of where I stand, and my heart cries out to God, "I care nothing about bliss or phenomenon; I only want union with you!" My location changes, and I wake up in strange places. I feel a sense of failure and fall into depression. All the while my heart calls out to God. I question if I have what it takes; I'm trepidatious about what is required. My heart continues to plead for union. My alarm goes off and I return to ordinary consciousness. My body hasn't moved so much as an inch, and it takes time and effort to inspire movement in my limbs. This is what my mornings are like, usually...

All of this is on autopilot!

Dec 24, 2013

Things have really been taking off lately. Which is fun, especially after a year of almost all sleep during sadhana.

The kriya you and Ma talked about is appearing more frequently. There are more kriyas in general. Also, there have been some really vivid lucid dreams.

Experiences after receiving the manatra "Hari Om TatSat Jai Guru Datta"

In late 2018 I received the mantra "Hari Om TatSat Jai Guru Datta," which is a means of initiating, protecting, and guiding Sahaja Yoga.  All experiences after that time are the results of chanting the Mahamantra before Sahaja Dhyan.

More Conversations with Anandi

Jun 29, 2019 8:18:05pm

Sadhana has been evolving in more apparent ways lately. For the past six months or so I haven't experienced many physical kriyas, only mental kriyas. The last week or so I have had a couple of interesting new developments. For one I have been having more physical kriyas, but also, the "inner guru" has really awakened. Sometimes going to meditation has been like sitting in satsang. So much information has been being downloaded. 

Jul 03, 2019 3:58:08pm

For the past week or so the divine Shakti has been putting me in siddhasana with my heel under the muladhara. My abdomen starts contracting and the my upper body starts rotating, moving forward and back, and then side to side. My chin drops to my chest. Then my pelvis starts doing the same movements my upper body did followed by hopping up and down in this position. A tremendous amount of heat is released and the energy is almost unbearable. My eyes flutter, my breath is retained, and I wonder if I'll pass out before it is over. The thought that I am not the body and this is all shakti's play carries me through.

Jul 09, 2019 8:53:29am

Kecheri Mudra began last night...I was (not) expecting that so soon. It's not the final form yet, but things are definitely happening.

Each meditation session has been similar lately. I am sitting in siddhasana with mulabandha, jalandhara, and uddiyana. Then last night and this morning khecheri mudra was added. At first my tongue moved back timidly, then it moved forcefully. It not only moved back, but forward and around. It finally settled toward the back, but there was movement, like it was looking for something. Sometimes my mouth would open and sometimes close. Sometimes my head would move forward and sometimes it moved back.

Jul 23, 2019 2:13:14pm

So, Khechari Mudra continues to be an almost daily occurrence in sadhana, and I have noticed a few things. First, when the tongue is inserted behind the pallet, thought either stops completely or almost completely. Second, today I notice a slight tear on the tendon under my tongue. It is spontaneously cutting? 😳

I can feel a little nick with my tongue if I explore around there, but there's no pain.

And I can see a small cut when I look in the mirror.

Aug 10, 2019 2:40:11pm

I went for 2-3 weeks have(ing) 3 bowel movements a day...super healthy ones lol

then a cleansing of my nasal passages for a week or so

some scriptures give a terrifying description of the purification. I didn't have that, and it could be that I will in the future, or it could be that it wasn't necessary in everyone's case

Sep 09, 2019 7:26:36am

From June to August I went through a very intense cycle in my sadhana, and there were time I had to give myself a pep talk, like "just surrender to God and it will be fine"

the past two weeks...nothing

just nothing

Oct 06, 2019 8:42:29pm

Kechari does stop the mind, or brings it close at the very least. It is the only time in my life that I have experienced full waking consciousness without any thoughts whatsoever

Not exactly waking, but I was still aware of the body and being in a room etc

It was a little scary when it first started happening. I didn't know if it could kill me or not lol

It still happens, but not as much as a month or two back

I'm usually aware of the body, but thoughts stop

Then shambhavi begins

Oct 24, 2019 5:01:30pm

The last intense phase of sadhana I went through included lots of belching during meditation

Have you gone through the being extremely cold phase?

I went and had my thyroid, iron, and B12 levels checked

All where fine, but I was freezing all the time

Oct 26, 2019 11:12:46am

I was in siddhasana with my heel under the muladhara

I moved back and forth over the heel with great force

I was actually sore in the beginning but that passed

This generated a tremendous amount of energy and heat

I would sweat profusely

After that, mulabhanda, uddiyanna bandha, and jalandhara bandha came in that succession

Then all together

All with great force

Followed then by khecheri mudra and yoni mudra..in that order

This was over a 3 month period

This phase seems to have ended for the time being

Outside of meditation I could only eat very small portions or I would feel sick...I lost 5 to 10 lbs

I felt hot all the time

Other things from the previous intense phase I mentioned

Almost no desire or thoughts of sex. The idea didn't disgust me, but it seemed pointless and uninteresting

Not sure how to put the next part politely

Reduced urine and excrement output...strangely enough, scripture mentions this numerous times

And when khecheri mudra happens there are either no thoughts or almost none

Nov 07, 2019 7:55:52pm

I have a ringing/buzzing/humming coming mostly from one side

Trying to figure out if its sadhana related

Nov 08, 2019 9:53:56am

So I am hearing this white noise type sound. It's like a buzzing or humming. Sometimes I do not notice it if there are other noises in the environment, but it can seem quite loud when things are quiet externally.

I woke up last night and it was roaring.

There is much talk of nada in the scriptures, but many references say it should be heard in the right ear. However, I hear it more in my left ear.

I also here it both in and out of sadhana.

So I don't know if it is tinnitus or divine sound

Dec 28, 2019 9:18:03am

I go through cycles

The physical ones are shorter than the mental ones

I would say the more physical last for about 3 months and the mental 1 year

Jan 25, 2020 11:42:09am

So, here is a sadhana update. It's good to record this somewhere. Nov and Dec was defined by Yoga nidra during sadhana, and outside of sadhana I had a ringing in my left ear and a pain in my left side. Mid way through January these physical symptoms subsided, as did the Yoga Nidra. Now I am experiencing a movement from side to side with the heel of my foot moving against the muladhara. Maha Bandha, Kumbhaka, and Khechari Mudra follow. All thoughts are on God, union with God, and God as advaita. When Khechari Mudra appears, the mind becomes almost completely still. There is only the slightest, almost imperceptible, movement in the mind. Sometimes between or after these kriyas, I lose contact with the body and ego. No knowledge of their existence remains. I think that covers the broad strokes.

Also, the last energetic round of sadhana reduced my appetite, but this round has increased it.

Jan 28, 2020 2:29:55pm

This started in sadhana today:

https://youtu.be/0TyyE2-o000?t=392

Nov 06, 2020 8:22:57pm

I'm fine. Sadhana has been taking off lately.

One of those phases

I've had to increase my time somewhat to allow it do what it's after

Khechari mudra had returned after not seeing it for a while. It's an intensity in sadhana that ends in profound silence

It's interesting how khechari arrests the mind

Mar 13, 2021 9:54:40am

I would like to make a personal request. Pray for me. Over the past two years, some remarkable things have taken place in my sadhana, but I have also faced some difficult tests. When I resisted sin (by the grace of God and Guru), I was then confronted by success (which may have been an even worse distraction). I'm being tested again, and I'm being faced with my own impurities and their illusory nature. It's amazing how we can cling to that which is neither useful or pleasant, all with the hope that we can find some happiness in what is inherently transitory and unsatisfying.

Apr 01, 2021 2:05:14pm

So (do) you receive teachings...like internally? Starting maybe 2 years ago I started receiving teachings sort of like an inner dialogue. I then have to take those and verify them from scriptures to filter out my own junk, best I can anyways

Jul 20, 2021 5:06:52pm

Sometimes I receive teachings on the Yoga scriptures. Recently the scripture came to mind that speaks of Kundalini drying up the bodily humours. Yogeshwar (Muni) interpreted this as a physical process, and he could be right. Scriptures are layered, but the teaching that came to me was that Kundalini dries up all sources of perceived happiness until only the Self remains as the source of happiness. Our conversation reminded me of that.

Jan 16, 2022 9:18:20am

Well. I'm doing about 3 hours (of sadhana) a day. Some days are very still and silent, frozen in a dark void. Other days are very active, with K(hechari) M(udra) and tribandha.

over the last year, maybe less...hard to remember...I've been having changes outside of sadhana as well. It's become clear that there is no real happiness in this life. It's created a lot more dispassion.

It's not depressing as it sounds lol

I could just take or leave most anything

even things that I use to love

I can travel...or not

have sex....or not

enjoy food...or not (less so with this one lol)

watch TV...or not. you get the picture

devotion has increased

less sense of self, more sense of god

still see other flaws that have to be purified. It's daunting how long this process is

I often get teachings while walking or reading

11/5/22

Sadhana is also ok.  I had a realization a few months ago that almost wrecked me.  It created something of an internal struggle.  In the end I just decided to carry on with sadhana like nothing ever happened lol

There is no time, no change, no cause or effect.  There is no you or I, and realization can only happen by the grace of God.  There is nothing that can be done to bring it about.  That's only a few highlights.  I would have to write an essay to provide the details.

11/6/22

I might add, that if everything is by the grace of God, then surrender is the only sadhana that makes sense (to me).

12/4/22

Kundalini has created your whole world.  Everything you experience and see is her work, and when she finishes her labors, she sleeps.  When she wakes up, she burns it all down :-)

12/20/22 

I've been trying to integrate some insights for several months now.  In other news, I love Christmas, so I'm enjoying the season!

Ever since my first enlightenment experience, I have worked with the question, "What is another?"  How do I even know if other's exist? lol A few months ago I had something of a breakthrough, but it wasn't just about others, it was about everything.

And unlike my first enlightenment experience, this one seemed like a cold stone bummer hahaha.

No individuals, no world as such, no change whatsoever, no time, just God...changeless, timeless non-physical God.

But that means...we cannot change anything either, and no sadhana can produce enlightenment.  Everything already is...the past, the present, the future.  It's all now.

My only solace is in God's perfection, so whatever is must also be perfect.  All that is left is the final surrender...which is also an illusion.  lol  In a way, nothing changes of course.  Everything will continue to appear just as it does, and I will keep doing whatever I'm doing, because that is how things appear.

No, I'm not saying its complete, but things felt a little pointless for a while.  I decided to just continue as normal and sit with it.  I figured everything would unfold as necessary, so I was also hopeful.

I'm feeling fine now btw.  Maybe even better than fine :-)

I've always determined to drive forward no matter what.  Probably being so stubborn has been the only thing that kept me on the path.

5/20/23

Perhaps this is a jnana phase...idk.  There have been many insights over the past year.

7/3/23

Sadhana is going strong.  I'm thankful for so much grace that has been shown to me.

Yes, my personal experience is that you can never really leave Sahaja Yoga, even if it looks like it at times.

I circled the globe to only end up where I started, just to realize I never left.  What looked like leaving was just another kriya. :-)

Messages to Chandrukantbhai

Chandrukantbhai introduced me to the mantra "Hari Om TatSat Jai Guru Datta."  Most of our conversations have been over the phone or in person, but we did exchange a few emails about my sadhana.  These are out of chronological order from the ones above, but they are dated.

Nov 25, 2018 

I am still meditating three times a day, with only a few exceptions.  I meditate for 30 minutes in the early morning and late evening, and for an hour at noon.

Physical kriyas have greatly diminished.  There are still some contractions or expansions in the abdomen and chest, some movement of the head, and some retention of the breath.  The following mudra still occurs on occasion.  

The mind is still active, sometimes very active.  There are thoughts of love and appreciation, of failure, and of sex.  While I would much prefer thoughts of God over sex, I try to surrender to the divine Shakti and her work, and not attribute the movements of the mind to some fault of my own.

I once had the sense that someone was in the room with me, but I could not identify the presence.  When my meditation bell rang, I could not remember where I was a few moments.

I often go into a dream like state, each dream only lasting briefly and then transitioning into the next dream.  I do not have any memory of what the dream content was as I move from one to the other, nor do I remember them after my meditation has ended.  My back remains straight and firm through out, and it never slumps even though my mind appears to slumber.

Dec 24, 2018

I thought I would update you on my sadhana progress, and sending these emails also lets me document my experiences.

The past few weeks have been a difficult period for my meditation.  I was traveling for work with my family during the first week of December, and I could not find a quiet, suitable space for sahaj dhyan.  Also, during this time, my young daughter became very ill, and I was concerned for her health.  I prayed and chanted Hari Om Tatsat Jai Guru Datta, and this alone was primarily my practice for that week.  After returning home, our schedules remained hectic due to the holiday season.  There are so many additional activities, both at work and with the kids.  Because of this, my meditation time was reduced to only 30 minutes on some days.  I wanted to spend more time in meditation, so this bothered me a little.

During my meditation periods, the experiences have varied a good deal.  Sometimes, it would seem that nothing is happening at all, and at other times, there have been a good many physical kriyas.  Still at other times, my meditation would pass in a dream like state.  A few times my back would begin to hurt until I was forced to lay on the floor.  From there my meditation time would pass by in an instant.  

I haven't been having thoughts of sex like I mentioned previously.  In fact, I haven't really experienced any sexual desire inside or out of meditation.  I have become increasing remorseful about my faults.  Any perceived failures, such as losing my temper, being impatient, etc, cause me a great deal of grief.  I worry about losing the Lord's grace, and I constantly pray for forgiveness for my shortcomings.  Physically I have been experiencing some some digestive issues the past few days; I'm not sure if they are related to sadhana or not.

Jan 28, 2019

Here is a summary of my recent experiences during sadhana.

When space and privacy allow, I have been meditating in a prone position after chanting “Hari Om Tatsat Jai Guru Datta.”  When lying in this position, I feel a tremendous sense of love and devotion, and often the thought occurs “Lord, let me continue to stay here with you.”  Occasionally there will be small muscular contractions or sensations of energy traveling around the body.  These are the only physical kriyas I have noticed.  Usually I will enter a dream like state while the body remains motionless and forgotten.  In this state, the sense of “me” is absent.  There is awareness of images, but no thought of being involved in the scenes that are witnessed.  Sometimes there will be self-inquiry thoughts such as, “What is the ‘me’ that comes and goes?”  During my meditation, it seems obvious that all action is spontaneous, not just during meditation.  The supposed doer outside of meditation is only an illusion.  God alone is the doer.